In December 2018 someone recommended reiki to me. I had actually been reading up on it online and was very interested. She gave me a list of names and one just jumped out to me. I reached out to Rebecca Ahern: Apothecary & Healing and I had my first ever Reiki session in January 2019. That day I left feeling like I’d just had a deep tissue massage and a therapy session. (You aren’t actually massaged which I’m finding is a big misconception. Click here to read more on Reiki) She moved alot of blockages and healed me in ways I couldn’t have expected. I left that day knowing I wanted to stick with this and see what it could do for me long term.
When I set the appointment my hope was to get my anxiety under better control. My anxiety had reached an all time high. I could feel myself slipping into a tunnel of anxiety that was getting harder to hide. I was doing weird nervous habits, and my shoulders where so tight I was getting headaches. I hadn’t been this bad since I was a teenager. When I was a teenager I didn’t even know that I was suffering from was anxiety. If you read my post Hard truths about happiness you’ll learn it took me to age 38 to learn that lesson. Well I was 32 when I figured out I’ve suffered from anxiety my whole life. So I thought what do I have to lose?
I have been going to my Reiki sessions every 4-6 weeks since that first one. It has been one of the best decisions I’ve ever made. I’m not writing this to try to push anyone into going. I’m not saying it’s the cure all to anxiety or anyone’s pain. I don’t believe any one thing is a fix for someone’s health and wellness. Everyone’s on a different journey. No two anxiety disorders look the same. No two peoples depression or physical ailments feel the same. We all need to listen to our bodies and do what’s right for us as individuals. I can only speak to my journey of healing. Reiki can be an excellent addition to your healthcare.
So what am I healing? That’s a tough one. I thought I was going to help my anxiety, but never stopped to think about why I had anxiety. Reiki is helping me release so many things I’ve held onto that fuels my anxiety. Its helping me face things about myself that I didn’t like, but was afraid to change. It’s allowing me to feel free to be myself without apologizing. Most importantly it taught me the importance of letting go. That meant people and outcomes. To stop trying to control everything. I have a strong need to try to control all aspects of my life. Not in a dictating people’s lives kind of way, but rather trying to prevent emotional pain or being uncomfortable emotionally. Realizing why I was doing that was emotionally difficult to face. I was trying to prevent myself from ever feeling the pain of grief again. Somehow telling myself if I just do these things then everyone I love is safe. If I don’t allow myself to get too happy it won’t hurt so bad when the bottom falls out from under me. I had actually convinced myself that I was preventing pain. Crazy right?
There is no preventing pain. What I learned was I have lived through some really difficult things. I allowed myself to acknowledge those things were painful and traumatic. I had a biological father who left when I was young and the death of two very close friends. Two of those things I convinced myself I’d dealt with and moved on from. In actuality I hadn’t really healed or faced any of them. I buried it and slapped a smile on my face. Then I realized I don’t need to hold onto any of it anymore. I already lived it and I’m still here. 17 year old me didn’t know any of this. I held on to that first unexpected death of a friend for 21 years. 21 years of trying to get to that feeling of just loving life without worrying about feeling that pain again. It took the death of my best friend friend 4 years ago to trigger all that stuff I buried. Only this time I was unable to hide the anxiety and grief. I began to see all that controlling couldn’t prevent me from feeling that deep seeded grief again. There I was, still living through it all over again. Imagine that, you can’t control outcomes in life. Seems obvious to most people, but grief can trigger a fight or flight in you. At least in me it did. I admittly did a bit of both. I fought to put up walls and I ran away from anything that made me vunerable to feel emotional pain. All things I’m seeing in a different way now, thanks to reiki.
After a couple of these reiki sessions I felt a distinct shift. I had come to view things differently. It’s a scary place to be actually. It’s amazing to heal and start to grow as a person, but it feels sort of lonely. You start to change some and that feels weird. Your thinking shifts and once you see the world a certain way you can’t unsee it. Once you see where you were and where you can go you don’t want to look back. That’s where I am now. It’s hard to explain how a person shifting your energy can open your mind and body to healing but I can speak to my experience that it can. I’m the same foul mouthed smart ass I’ve always been. I’m not some sanctimonious a-hole claiming to have all the answers. But I am different in some ways. I’d like to think the parts that are changing are for the better.