I feel like we are programmed to live in the future. I don’t mean some sci-fi time travel to some future life. I’m talking about instead on being mindful and present our focus is often on the future. What about tomorrow? What do I have to get done next week? What if this thing could happen in the near future? If I lose 10lbs in a month I’ll feel better about this future event. I find my mind often jumping ahead in time. It’s a vicious cycle of anxiety about things to come. In these moments I’m not present. If I was being mindful I’d be focused on the day in front of me. Not to say as a Mother and taxi service to my children I shouldn’t be vigilant of my future obligations. I’m just thinking about how often I’m focusing on those things. I have a well laid out calendar. I check it every day. So I think my time would be better spent on the day I’m living. We don’t really ever know that tomorrow is coming. There are no guarantees right? I want to make an effort to be mindful of that. Live today because tomorrow is not promised to us. This thought lead me to another realization. Trying to chase down perfection.
I never really thought of myself as someone who put much thought into what other people think of me. My typical state of readiness is wild unbrushed hair, wearing sweats and a hoodie looking like I just stumbled out of bed. I don’t even put on a bra unless it’s non-hoodie weather and I’m going out in public. You get the idea, I’m a scrub most of the time. There are still moments when I find myself chasing perfection. Whether it’s in motherhood, marriage or my appearance. Which is really just me seeking the approval or perception that I’m good enough for other people. This past summer I’ve really tried to embraced who I am. Who I am as a person, who I want to become and loving every inch of my not so 20 year old looking body. I wasn’t avoiding a swim suit because I’m not my ideal weight. I instead came to terms with the fact that my flat abs of my youth have given way to stretch marks and imperfections. I showed up to friends houses on days I looked disheveled without a stitch of makeup on and gray roots unsprayed. I looked at those laugh lines and thought, damn I’ve had a good fucking life. I spent more time having fun and less time worrying if I looked up to par for the general public. I look like your average 38 year old, I don’t look the same as I did at 21. Why should I look the same as the younger version of me? I’m getting older and that’s a gift far too many never experience. With age comes wisdom and growth (sometimes that growth is in our asses getting bigger too! So what? Go up a Jean size and live your life!!). I think we should focus more on the how we’ve grown in character than how we look in a damn swim suit.
This reset a habit, it allowed me to focus on me! To take the time to really focus on what actually brings me joy. I started to focus in on the faces that surround me. They love me, whether I’m done up or just rolled out of bed. My weight isn’t a term of any of my friendships or relationships. Who I am as a person is way more important. I’m allowing myself to revisit things I once loved doing but sort of went away during the messy days of early parenting. I’m enjoying getting to know myself again. I’m learning to forgive myself for not being perfect. It feels pretty damn good to let go of all those unrealistic expectations and find myself after so many wasted years of chasing down perfection. Enjoy today because tomorrow is not promised to us. Love yourself enough to actually love the day you’re living!