Facing my fears one deep breath at a time

As a child I always felt different. I never felt anyone understood certain parts of who I was. Those things would remain hidden and ignored for many years. I had a very strong sense of who people were. I can remember meeting people, even complete strangers and getting an immediate good or bad feeling. The feeling was felt in my stomach and my mind would know, this person is bad news. It was the same for good, it was as if I could feel their genuine heart and overall goodness. Those feelings happened all the time. Weird instances of having a very clear knowing or gut feeling about a person or place. In addition to that I had a horrific spirit that took up residence in my childhood home. It was a male spirit who refused to cross over to the light. He would tap me on the shoulder, and some nights would just stand over me. It can only be described as exhausting and terrifying. I never felt I could tell anyone. I could spend hours recounting stories just like these. I would eventually end up telling my best friend. Who didn’t understand but at the very least didn’t think I was certifiable. I for the most part tried to suppress these things as I got older.

Fast forward to the last two years. I started to heal myself and in the process found my intuition again. That opened the flood gates to all the things I remember feeling as a child, only now I was an adult with a tribe of people who understood those things. I was equipped to deal with the overwhelming senses. I embraced it. I was eager to learn how to bring it into focus. Everything started to unfold fast. Faster than I could fully grasp. As soon as I sort of got a handle on one thing another would unfold. My gut feelings turned into strong and clear messages. Then after awhile it was small pictures with messages to full on movie reels with people’s loved ones showing me stuff I had no idea about.

Why am I writing about this? Because it’s scary! Not scary in the way that you think. The messages don’t scare me, the spirits aren’t scary either. People finding out is what scares the hell out of me. It’s like this secret that I never talk about unless I know someone either believes in this stuff, or is exactly the same as me. This week I had to face that fear because I had no choice. This time there was something bigger than my fear, forcing me to be who I am to the people of my tiny little village of 2,000 people. A place where everyone knows everyone. They know me, and generations of my family. It’s an amazing place to grow up and live, but can also feel harder to be yourself. On this day that I’m speaking of, an elderly women with dementia had gone missing and still had not been found.

The night before I hardly slept. I kept seeing her confused and in the woods. I knew she was at the farm near where she was last seen. The next day I planned on going to work, but I could not shake what I was seeing. I called my mom on my way to Woodville to ask her to please call the Chief of police and tell him to search the woods. When she asked me how much I wanted her to disclose to him, I hesitated. Then frustrated I said “fuck it, just tell him how I am, Mom. I’m right. I can feel it. Tell him to call me”. About 5 minutes later I hopped in my car and was driving to the farm. When I got there I noticed a message from my friend Rebbeca Ahern who is also intuitive, (she is a Reiki Master and the owner of Rebecca Ahern: Apothecary & Healing ) She had read my Facebook post I shared that morning about her disappearance. Her first words were, “She’s in the woods!!!” To which I replied “Omg I know, I see her too!” The next 3 hours would be intense and exhausting. We were both getting similar images and feelings. I was getting a very clear image of an old rusty car next to white trailers, semi truck looking trailers. She was seeing the same thing but we hadn’t told each other yet.

(This image is pretty close to what I was seeing in my mind. Minus the stacks of wood and crates. I walked until I finally came across it)

I’d see that image and then I’d see the missing women. I ran all over that damn farm looking for a glimpse of what they (my guides an angels) were showing me. I found an old rusty truck. Nope didn’t feel right. I just kept going until I turned this corner. There it was, the rusty car and two trailers. When I walked over to that spot my body lit up head to toe. I felt her!!! As I walked to a clearing I was drawn to, the feeling became more intense. So I walked further into the woods. I kept losing my connection to her, but only for a few minutes at a time. I called Rebbeca again, and together we used our intuition to guide me where to go. We were both working together, her on speaker phone, me pushing through thick brush. We were connected to the missing women very strongly. It was so frustrating because we would feel as if I was getting closer then we’d both lose her. At one point I started to cry because I knew she was close. The brush was thick and I didn’t know which way to go. I was feeling so defeated. I asked for a clear sign to show me where to go. I turned around to see this tree.

(God and his team are nothing short of miraculous. I could write an entire blog post on the signs nature was giving me. She was found further out than I got but in this direction)

I would end up walking in the direction it was pointing (and ultimately that is the direction in which they found her). At some point the Chief of police called me. He asked where I was and then asked me to come out of the woods to the path so he could locate me. So I turned back to go out to the stone drive. When he showed up I took a deep breath and just said all the things I never thought I’d ever say out loud to anyone. I will forever remember the moment I had to look him in the eyes and say ” I don’t know how to say this, but I know she’s right over there, in these woods. I can see her. I saw that rusty car over there. I have no proof other than I can see her and I can feel that she’s close!” He was very kind. He didn’t laugh or act condescending. He said he’d be back with people to search the woods or with the dogs. That was at at around 11:00 a.m. They didn’t return for about an hour. They were doing their jobs and were searching in an organized and well planned out way. It just felt like forever to me. 

I ended up going back out in the woods searching alone past that tree several more times then coming back to see if people were near. Each time I’d get a little further. Each time the feeling got stronger. At around noon I heard car doors. I rushed out of the woods to see 30 people walking towards me looking tired and worried. I had no idea any of them knew I was the person telling the cops she was in the woods, all based on a feeling. I could feel some of their hesitation, not towards me, but because the family knew she hated the woods. I knew that no one actually thought she was near there. Frankly I don’t blame them for not believing that some girl and her friend could just see her.  They got on the radio to the chief and we were told to wait, he was on his way to us. While we waited, Rebecca called back one more time to tell me she heard “behind the dirt pile”. She said do you see a dirt pile?” I said “Yes, it’s to the left of the path I’ve been walking back and forth on all day.”

When the Chief showed up he took a head count, and had us all line up across the width of the woods. When we lined up I got a clear message “Relax, they are going to find her right now!” I texted my friend as we set off walking. I said that she would be found soon.

11 minutes after we lined up she was found. She was found just a bit further than I had made it. When they yelled “I found her” I could not stop crying. It was such a relief. I spent 3 hours in that spot praying search teams would believe me enough to come look.

I’m grateful her angels and guides were loud and persistent. I hope her family knows how protected she is. She has a whole team of angels and they were working hard for her.

The way I see it, she helped me. Without her I would never have been brave enough to say, hey this is who I am….I’m a medium, intuitive or whatever the hell you want to call it. Here’s to being who we are, and not caring what that may look like to other people. Give people a chance to prove you wrong. So there it is, my truth about that day! It was the craziest day of my life, and I’m not quite sure Rebbeca or I have fully processed it.

(Rebecca and I at her Reiki I Class

Check her out of fb Rebbeca Ahern: Apothecary & Healing )