The ups and downs of quarantine have been interesting. I find myself reflective of all aspects of it. I’m in a time in my life where things that once would’ve sent me spiraling seem to wash away. It’s like there are loud waves crashing all around me but I’m only able to focus on the wave I’m on. The noise isn’t important, what is on my wave is what matters. I’m focusing on what I can control, which is very little, myself.
I started this stay at home order like most, unsure if it was necessary, and certainly not convinced it would last very long. The first week seemed to be refreshing, we should’ve been running around to baseball and dance practices. The end of the school year gets so crazy with parties, activities, and field trips so the downtime felt amazing. The kids were soaking up having sleepovers together and having both parents home all day. Weeks two and three were pretty much the same. I felt I was handling the balance of school work, parenting and my work like a boss. I was feeling good. I had distanced myself from my personal FB page, and was really only keeping up with my business page. Everyone was pushing fear and I was not willing to jump in on that. The worst part thus far was that I was missing the shop and working with my clients.
Then we got about month in, and shit went off the rails! The kids started getting tired of each other and the tattling and fights started to amp up. I could feel the kids anxiety gearing up for an explosion. We were having big talks about how fortunate we are, and trying to be honest about what was happening in the world in an age appropriate way. I was feeling the importance of this global pandemic. I could feel that this was supposed to be a lesson for us all. We talked about how some kid weren’t getting lunch let alone a snack. How some kids didn’t have internet or a computer. I was really trying to get my two little humans to understand how fortunate they are, and that people in the world are suffering in a way they hadn’t before. So we talked and asked questions. Somedays I felt they were getting it, other days it was over their heads. We started giving each other reiki a few times a week ( my kids are attuned to Reiki as well). This started to help everyone settle into the new norm some. There have been some really bad days though. Days I think each of us has contemplated running away haha. In fact my son did plan his escape to his grandparents lot one day. He was running away one acre over and going to sleep under a pine tree. I felt him on every level, secretly wishing I could do the same! A night away under a pine tree sounded like a lovely getaway.
There have been days I as a Mom I lose my cool. There have been days, I have to apologize for my behavior or short temper. There will be more to come I’m sure. I’m human after all. This quarantine has forced my husband and I to have big talks and communicate in a way we might not have. A month into this the two of us were so annoyed with each other that we were picking fights left and right. We love each other so much, but are used to breaks. He travels a lot for work, and I’m use to a certain level of alone time. As an introvert I need alone time to recharge, and I hadn’t gotten that in over a month. So we started talking about things we both needed during this new way of life. I needed to get uninterrupted alone time, whether home or going for a drive. He need more time for himself to fish or be in the barn alone. Then we both agreed we needed to have some quality time as a couple and that it was going to take some effort on both of our parts with kids here 24/7. So we did, we made dinner for us after bedtime a few nights. If it was nice out we would sit outside together at night.
It’s been a beautiful messy storm over here. You usually get to see the highlight reel on social media, so I thought it was important to show both sides. This entire thing is here for a reason. We are supposed to be reflecting. It’s a time to look at your life and yourself. This time should be spent working on YOU, not judging other people. If you’re spending your time worrying about everyone else, you my friend are just dodging your own stuff you should be working through. What things do you want to change within yourself? What things in your life aren’t serving you anymore? Where do you want to be? Whats next?
I’m working on balance and my need to do everything just so. The Type A in me is a control freak and I’m slowly letting some of that go. Then there’s the healing, the never-ending journey of healing yourself. Don’t fool yourself into thinking its a one stop thing. As I get through one thing, I just start on another. So that’s what I’m doing during quarantine. I’m riding the wave, where ever it takes me.