Healing has no timeline

I lost my dearest and closest friend 4 years ago. While most people that know me realize that I felt a tremendous loss. They were not aware that my life changed in ways I did not foresee coming. Her death wasn’t the unforeseen part. I had sometime to prepare, (fuck cancer!) although there really isn’t ever enough time to prepare. It just sort of gives you enough to brace yourself for the punch that’s coming. I was prepared for grief. I was ready for all the phases, “You’ve done this before” I thought to myself. You’ve got this I reassured myself . By all accounts I did have it together or at least did a pretty good job making it appear that way. Then everything started to change and I mean EVERYTHING. My view on life, death, what was important shifted. The dynamics of the relationships in my life were flipped upside down. I knew the day I lost her that I would feel tremendous loss. What I didn’t anticipate was how that grief would leak into every aspect of my life. My world shifted in a way I never saw coming and when it shifted it rocked the core of everything I had ever known. You see the thing about grief is no two people live through it the same way. We all cope and deal with it differently. My social circle began to change and that was really fucking scary. Change is really fucking scary. We were coping in different ways and at different speeds. We all sort of knew we needed change but I don’t really think anyone knew how or why that needed to happen. The person we lost was the foundation of a lot of our relationships. The thing that connected us. So when that went away it left us all in a state of “ Ok where do I fit now? How does this person still fit or not fit in my life?” Along with all of the shifting and grieving came anger and hurt feelings. When you’re standing in the middle of grief it can make everything very skewed. For me it made me so jaded and angry that all I could see were those exact emotions in other peoples actions. Then there was the selfishness, good god the selfishness. How could this person do this to ME? Why is this or that happening to me. So much sulking and bitterness. I can look back now and understand that the people who hurt me weren’t trying to hurt me. They were making the choices THEY needed to move forward and heal. Those situations that I was sulking about were just circumstance, that’s it. Not some giant plan to shit all over my life. It has been the hardest 4 years of my life. In the past year I have really reflected on who I am/was and I’ll be honest I wasn’t loving some of what I saw. I’m paying attention to my reactions and what I allow in my life. I have been doing the work to change the stuff I don’t like. I have healed in ways I didn’t even know I needed. My view on life in general has changed dramatically. The things that use to keep me up at night no longer bother me. In sadness I’ve managed to find joy. Through loss I’m feeling gratitude for what is right here in front of me. The need to hold on to people or outcomes is no longer important to me. I’m learning that saying “I don’t care what other people think” in a harsh arrogant way is very different from being unapologetically true to yourself. To understand some people will never like you or understand you and they don’t have to is freeing! Not everything in life that happens to you needs an explanation. That’s a big one for me. My need to dissect everything and have it all figured out can induce so much anxiety. My biggest lesson this year has been to not force anything. Anything I need to force is not worth fighting over. If I’m clinging to it then it wasn’t meant for me.

I could bore you with more details of my ah-ha moments but It’s a long list of things I have changed and still need to. We are all a work in progress and it never hurts to take a look inward and see that maybe the things making you miserable have more to do with yourself than other people. I hope to continue to learn, heal and ultimately help heal other people along the way. This Reiki certfifcate is the start of that for me. If you don’t know what Reiki is I hope you look into it further, that’s a topic in itself. Remember we are all fighting a battle, and the ones who seem to have it all together are fighting something too. 💞✨

https://youtu.be/1QO191imv0s

“Such is the way of the world

You can never know

Just where to put all your faith

And how will it grow

Gonna rise up

Burning black holes in dark memories

Gonna rise up

Turning mistakes into gold

Such is the passage of time

Too fast to fold

Suddenly swallowed by signs

Low and behold

Gonna rise up

Find my direction magnetically

Gonna rise up

Throw down my ace in the hole”

~Eddie Vedder, Rise

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